The Big Clash
We have Arnold, also know as Junior from the Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian and Alfred from the contender. It all started on a dark cloudy night on the basketball court. Alfred and Arnold were both at the court just practicing their ball skills. They decided to challenge each other to a one on one match. They were both very cocky and thought they were better than the other. At first, the game was clean and fair but as it progressed the game began to become more intense and pushy.
“Go home and learn how to play before we have another game, because next time we have a game and you keep pushing like you were someone is going to get hurt and it’s not going to be me!” screamed Alfred from across the street.
“Whatever.” Arnold blatantly replied
. Alfred was new on the reservation and only got along with a few people, and so far Arnold was not one of those few people. Alfred was a tough kid and nobody in the whole reservation would mess with him. He’s so tough that, since moving to the reservation (with no gym) he punches the trees for training. Arnold remembered what Alfred said after their game and he went to bed with that though in his head.
The next day, Arnold decided to start training for his rematch with Alfred. He’s been observing Alfred’s training techniques. So to start off training Arnold decided to start punching a tree… that did not work out and he broke three of his fingers. Arnold began to get discouraged and felt like giving up. But then he thought of how bad he wanted to beat Alfred. With his hands off limits Arnold began a routine of one thousand crunches a night. Alfred weighed one hundred and fifty pounds and Arnold weighed one hundred and seventy five pounds but Alfred is pure muscle.
They both were jogging around the reservation one day and met up Arnold stopped Albert and said “Hey tough guy you up for a rematch soon?”
“Ha you think you can beat me? Well how about you get one of your friends, well if you have friends, and I get one of my friends and then we play tomorrow at six o’clock sharp?” Alfred said with confidence.
“Okay it’s a deal.” said Arnold timidly.
They shook hands and went off. Arnold was very nervous and he picked his cousins friend Jack, who also lived on the res. to play with him. Alfred on the other hand was not going to pick a partner. Alfred had a different plan than a basketball scrimmage, but he wanted some competition not just Arnold. They both kept training for three days, and then the day came. Jack and Arnold were at the court early practicing. Then Alfred showed up with his hands wrapped up.
“What’s wrong, did you break your hands or something?” Arnold said.
“Not quite.” replied Alfred.
“Them what’s the deal?” asked Arnold
Alfred didn’t come to play basketball he came to fight. And CRACK Arnold got punched in the jaw. Although Alfred thought that a partner Arnold picked was going to be more competition, this did not work out and Jack just ran away to get the cops. Alfred just kept punching and punching at Arnold. When finally Arnold stopped moving, Alfred had knocked him unconscious. The cops had come while Alfred began to run away, but they caught him. Arnold ended up in the hospital with serious injuries and Alfred ended up stuck with community service for one year.
The End
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okay first off, i liked the story. It was a very original and funny story. It was a very easy story to just picture in you’re head. This story was clearly thought out, and time was taken to create it. I see a lot of effort in this.
ReplyDeleteHowever, some things stood out to me. it didnt really explain why alfred moved to the resercvation. did his aunt die, did something happen? it doesnt make any sense. also, why would alfred act like that? i don’t remember him being a jerk in the story. It just doesn’t seem authentic.
Arnold’s reaction seems much more authentic, as that would be some thing he would do. Isn’t Arnold a great basketball player? He would also get Jack to help. I'm, pretty sure that Arnold would wipe the floor with Alfred I a game of basketball. I don’t know if you read that story more intuitively, or really liked it, but the Arnold parts are the stars of the story.
Some other comments, why do the not like each other? Did something happen before the story started? When does the story take place? What school does Alfred go to? I hate to sound like my dad, but the story could use a little more detail.
Overall this is a pretty good story. Its funny, well written, almost no errors( I didn’t check very hard) and good add on to the stories of the two. It could be a part of Alfred’s growing up story, or just Arnold being an unlucky kid. A little mor detail and this could have been platinum ,not gold
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ReplyDelete-The story was funny and had me laughing at the end. I didn't think it would end in Arnold being seriously injured by Albert. When he injured Arnold, I pictured lots of blood all over the court floor and Alfred just punching him straight in the face. I picture Arnold struggling at first, but slowly stopping as the blows hit him harder and harder in the face. The story made me think of my old school, because there were fights about everyday after-school.
ReplyDelete-In the story, Alfred seems like a real bully. I didn't get to read this story, but I have read a piece of it on my MCAS test last year. That's what makes the story inaccurate. That isn't the intention I got from reading a portion of it on the MCAS. The conversation is very much realistic, but like I said before, the conversation tells the character's traits and the conversation doesn't seem as if it fits Albert. I wouldn't know about Arnold, because I never read that story, nor have I even read a portion of it.
-"Alfred was a tough kid and nobody in the whole reservation would mess with him. He’s so tough that, since moving to the reservation (with no gym) he punches the trees for training." This line in the story is very descriptive. It tells me what Albert is like and it gves me an idea of the chances he would beat Arnold in a match of basketball. I don't think he would, because Arnold plays basketball, but Albert doesn't. Albert is a fghter, not a baller.
-Overall this story was good, and I love how you gave a portion of both characters.
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ReplyDeleteI thought that the story was also funny with the boys training and Arnold thought that the match was a basketball game and the Alfred just starts betting on him. I thought that was really creative. I liked how they were enemies instead of friends like must stories were.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this story. After reading the story, I feel kind of shocked that Alfred did that. I can picture Alfred punching and punching Arnold. I didn't think Alfred's anger would get the better of him. It made me think about why Alfred would that.
ReplyDeleteI thought that the conversation during the basketball game was pretty authentic. It shows Alfred's competitive edge. I thought you did a good job of showing that. However, I didn't know Alfred was that mean and you could've explained why. I didn't read True Diary so I can't comment on Arnold.
"They were both very cocky and thought they were better than the other." This was mt favorite sentence. This sentence stood out to me because it shows the competitive sides of both Arnold and Alfred. It shows they both want to win. And you can only assume they'll go to any lengths to win.
One thing I found distracting was why Alfred was so rude. You could've explained that more. I also wanted to know how they both ended up there. There were also some errors on puncuation. Those are some of the things I found distracting.
One thing I would consider adding is why Alfred and Arnold are there. You could add some more backstory. Why is Alfred so rude? is another thing you could consider. Those things aside, I really liked reading your story. I thought it was dark, funny and entertaining.